Making a break for freedom...

It may sound overly dramatic to say I’m making a break for freedom, but I kind of think that’s what I’m doing. And my big resignation from ministry involvement was only the beginning. Somewhere in the muddle of my life, I think I forgot who it was God created me to be. Or maybe I never entirely knew, and maybe I’m just now starting to see glimpses. Or maybe I just focus too much on the annoying parts of my confusing personality, and I’m learning to see some positives and re-learning how to have fun.

My first big clue that I’d been missing something was last summer at the church campout when Bro Dale brought his boat and inner tube to the lake. I always feel so responsible to make sure things go well, and everyone has a good time, and everyone feels included, and…. Sometimes I don’t have much fun in the process. I’d watched the kids have fun being towed around the lake, screaming and laughing, and coming back to camp completely soaked, but with the biggest smiles on their faces, and giddy with excitement. Several people had asked me if I was going to go in the inner tube (but especially Nikki, who said if I’d go, she would), and I kept saying ‘no’. But the more I watched them, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized there was no good reason for me to stay and be ‘responsible’. Why shouldn’t I be a kid for an hour? And why shouldn’t I have fun with a friend of my own? And what would it hurt if I got soaked from head to toe? I had other clothes to change into. Sooo… I went.

Bro Dale helped Nikki and I get situated in the tube, and promised he wouldn’t get too carried away since he knows I can’t swim. I did have a life jacket on, but I knew if I ended up in the water, I’d panic—badly. He started out slowly, but kept gaining speed as Nikki and I hung on tighter and tighter. We both had big grins on our faces, and every time a wave of water came over the edge and soaked us, we’d scream. Bro Dale seemed pleased with the results, and decided to step it up a notch. Before I knew it we were zooming through the water, doing zigzag motions, careening around corners, bumping and bouncing over the waves from the other boats in the water, and Nikki and I were laughing ourselves silly. By this point we were so wet, it was impossible to get any wetter, but the water was so cold we’d scream every time it hit us.

Long story short, I screamed so much I made myself hoarse, I laughed so much my sides hurt for several days (no joke!), and I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d had that much fun.

The second big clue was when Trent came home for Christmas. He randomly decided to take me to Toomie’s one Sunday night after church, because his former guitar teacher’s band was playing live jazz. I almost never do things like that when he’s not here. I generally figure it’s not worth spending the money. But really now… does an appetizer and a cup of tea cost all that much for a relaxing evening? Of course, the largest part of my fun was being with Trent, but I love good jazz, and there’s no reason I couldn’t invite someone else to go with me sometime.

And then Leo came to Oregon as well. Sitting up late chatting with Trent and Leo reminded me of how much I miss having other young people around to talk about life with, and discuss Scripture, and laugh at silly jokes.

But the day the three of us went cross-country skiing was a day I’ll never forget. Leo had never been cross-country skiing before, and it had been a long time since Trent and I were on skis, so the three of us spent as much time with our faces in snow banks as we did standing upright. And yet again, I found myself laughing harder than I had in a very long time.

Why is it so hard for me to lighten up and just enjoy being? Why is it so difficult for me to allow myself to put time and energy into fun things? Life isn’t all about work and duties and responsibilities.

The third thing came as yet another shock to me. I flew to Indiana for Musicfest, expecting to put my time and brain to hard use in the classes, and perhaps have a few minutes here and there with the friends I knew were going too.

But God knew I needed the fellowship more than I needed the musical training. And I found myself intentionally skipping a class to buy myself extra time with a group of friends. Even more surprising, I stayed up until 3 a.m. chatting and laughing with them. I’m not sure when the last time was that I was up at that hour. Yes, I came home exhausted. But it was a good exhausted, not the mental fatigue that is so hard to deal with. And the memories and friendships I came away with were worth more than money could buy.

Was I surprised at myself in some of these situations? Yes. If I had it to do over, would I play it safe and stay out of the inner tube? Go to bed instead of staying up listening to jazz? Stay home instead of risking a twisted ankle on the mountainside? Diligently go to class, and head for bed at a decent hour rather than enjoy being with friends? Never!

Not really sure where these discoveries are taking me. I guess time will tell. But in the meantime, I’m enjoying the journey.