It upsets me. It makes me sad. Sometimes it almost makes me cry. And sometimes it almost makes me angry. It makes me want to ask her to please quit talking that way.
What am I thinking of? I'm thinking of the times Nana starts talking about dying. The times she talks about "after I'm gone". The times she wants to plan her memorial service. The times she talks about how long she's lived and how heaven is next - as if her life is over.
But today I got it. I really, really got it.
You see...
In grade school I looked forward to summer. It was my Next Big Event.
In winter I looked forward to my birthday. It was my Next Big Event.
In December I looked forward to Christmas. It was my Next Big Event.
In high school I looked forward to graduation. It was my Next Big Event.
In summer I looked forward to family vacation. It was my Next Big Event.
In my 20's I looked forward to falling in love. It was my Next Big Event.
While I've been engaged I've been looking forward to my wedding day. It's my Next Big Event.
When I'm married I'm sure I'll be looking forward to having a baby. It will be my Next Big Event.
Sometimes I've been impatient, eager, longing for my Next Big Event.
Sometimes I've been content and happy in the stage I was in, but I was still looking forward with anticipation to my Next Big Event.
Sometimes I've planned for the Next Big Event for days ahead. Weeks ahead. Months ahead. Even years ahead.
Sometimes I'd think about the Next Big Event. A lot.
Sometimes I'd talk about the Next Big Event. A lot.
Sometimes I drove everyone around me nuts by how much I talked about the Next Big Event.
I guess it would be fair to say that the Next Big Event was never far from my mind. Ever.
And now I get it.
Heaven is Nana's Next Big Event.
See, she's not happy here. She's in pain. She's missing people she loves that went to heaven ahead of her. And she knows that her life here isn't exactly improving.
She knows that in heaven she'll get to see Bapa again. She won't have pain. She won't be sad. Or lonely. Or fearful.
And it's her Next Big Event.
And suddenly, in my own mind, that makes all the difference in the world.
What am I thinking of? I'm thinking of the times Nana starts talking about dying. The times she talks about "after I'm gone". The times she wants to plan her memorial service. The times she talks about how long she's lived and how heaven is next - as if her life is over.
But today I got it. I really, really got it.
You see...
In grade school I looked forward to summer. It was my Next Big Event.
In winter I looked forward to my birthday. It was my Next Big Event.
In December I looked forward to Christmas. It was my Next Big Event.
In high school I looked forward to graduation. It was my Next Big Event.
In summer I looked forward to family vacation. It was my Next Big Event.
In my 20's I looked forward to falling in love. It was my Next Big Event.
While I've been engaged I've been looking forward to my wedding day. It's my Next Big Event.
When I'm married I'm sure I'll be looking forward to having a baby. It will be my Next Big Event.
Sometimes I've been impatient, eager, longing for my Next Big Event.
Sometimes I've been content and happy in the stage I was in, but I was still looking forward with anticipation to my Next Big Event.
Sometimes I've planned for the Next Big Event for days ahead. Weeks ahead. Months ahead. Even years ahead.
Sometimes I'd think about the Next Big Event. A lot.
Sometimes I'd talk about the Next Big Event. A lot.
Sometimes I drove everyone around me nuts by how much I talked about the Next Big Event.
I guess it would be fair to say that the Next Big Event was never far from my mind. Ever.
And now I get it.
Heaven is Nana's Next Big Event.
See, she's not happy here. She's in pain. She's missing people she loves that went to heaven ahead of her. And she knows that her life here isn't exactly improving.
She knows that in heaven she'll get to see Bapa again. She won't have pain. She won't be sad. Or lonely. Or fearful.
And it's her Next Big Event.
And suddenly, in my own mind, that makes all the difference in the world.
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